In immediate danger: call 911. National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233, 24 hours. Local domestic violence programs provide free court advocates. For doctrine, see Domestic Violence and Protective Orders; for the workflow, see Obtaining and Defending a Protective Order.

PART ONE—PETITIONER

Phase 1—Immediately after an incident

  • Medical attention, even for injuries that seem minor—especially after strangulation (injuries appear hours later; the intake narrative becomes evidence).
  • Photographs now, and again on days 2, 3, and 5—bruising develops and darkens.
  • Police report if safe; report number written down.
  • Tell someone—they become a witness to what you said and how you appeared.
  • Call a domestic violence advocate (free, will help with the petition and go to court with you).

Phase 2—Evidence preservation

  • Export voicemails as audio files—carriers delete them.
  • Export message threads (not only screenshots); keep full headers and metadata.
  • Save social media messages, posts, and comments with timestamps.
  • Call logs.
  • Medical records, including the narrative given at intake.
  • Photographs of property damage and the scene.
  • 911 recording requested (agencies retain for a limited period—request early).
  • Written log started: date · time · what happened · who was present · what was said · whether reported.
  • Names and phone numbers of everyone who saw or heard anything.
  • Financial records where money is used as control.
  • Everything emailed to an account the other person cannot access.
  • State recording-consent law checked before recording any conversation.

Technology-facilitated abuse

  • Use a different device to seek help if yours may be monitored.
  • Do not remove stalkerware before it is documented—removal can alert them.
  • Vehicle checked for a GPS tracker.
  • Shared accounts, family cellular plans, and cloud accounts reviewed.
  • Location sharing disabled everywhere, including in photo metadata.
  • Smart-home device access reviewed (thermostat, cameras, doorbell, speakers).
  • Passwords changed from a safe device; two-factor enabled.

Phase 3—The petition

  • Relationship element satisfied under your statute (spouse · former spouse · dating partner · co-parent · household member). If not, ask about a civil harassment or anti-stalking petition instead.
  • Conduct element: specific acts with dates.
  • Fear or risk of future harm alleged where required.
  • Narrative written chronologically, one incident per paragraph, with dates and specifics—not adjectives.
  • Strangulation, if it occurred, described precisely: hands or ligature, breathing restricted, vision changes, loss of consciousness, voice changes.
  • Firearms access and any threat involving a weapon described.
  • Technology-facilitated conduct described.
  • Nothing exaggerated.
  • Every form of relief you need actually requested (Phase 6).

Phase 4—Ex parte appearance

  • Bring: petition · printed photographs and messages · medical record · police report number · one-page timeline · an advocate.
  • Read the order before leaving the building—check addresses, relief granted, and the firearms provision.
  • Hearing date calendared.
  • Certified copies obtained: carry one · home · work · car · trusted person · school/daycare with the pickup list updated.
  • If denied: ask why · ask about amending and refiling · ask the advocate about other statutes.

Phase 5—Service

  • Every safe address and schedule detail given to the court and the sheriff.
  • Vehicle description and plate provided.
  • Followed up with the sheriff's civil division to confirm service.
  • Alternative service (publication/posting) asked about if service repeatedly fails.
  • You do not attempt service yourself.

Phase 6—Hearing preparation and relief

  • One-page timeline: dates down the left, one sentence each.
  • Numbered exhibits, three copies each, labeled ("Exhibit 1—photograph of neck, 15 March 2026").
  • Witnesses in person (affidavits often not accepted); told date, time, and subject.
  • Three or four strongest incidents selected.
  • Accommodations requested in advance: separate waiting area · support person · remote appearance · screen.
  • Cross-examination rule checked—many states now bar direct cross-examination by a self-represented respondent.

Relief to request—word it this way:

  • No contact "directly or indirectly, including through any third person, and by any means including telephone, text, email, social media, and any application."
  • Stay away—stated distance from home · workplace · school · children's school and daycare · vehicle · wherever you happen to be.
  • Exclusive possession of the residence (even if respondent owns it or holds the lease).
  • Temporary custody / supervised visitation / suspension—with the exchange mechanism specified (supervised exchange center · police station · third party).
  • Temporary support and payment of specified bills.
  • Firearms surrender with a deadline and a proof-of-surrender filing.
  • The credible-threat finding OR the express prohibition on the use, attempted use, or threatened use of physical force—the federal prohibition under 18 U.S.C. § 922(g)(8) attaches only to orders containing this language (Rahimi).
  • Possession of property and a civil standby to retrieve belongings.
  • The pets.
  • Prohibition on locating you—no GPS, tracking apps, or third-party searches.
  • Restitution: medical · property · lost wages · relocation.
  • Counseling or batterer intervention program.

Phase 7—Living with the order

  • Certified copies distributed (Phase 4).
  • Every violation reported in writing, every time; report number recorded in a running list.
  • Each violation preserved: message with metadata · screenshot with sender and timestamp · date/time of any appearance · witnesses.
  • Third-party contact treated as a violation (message through a friend, a post you will see, a relative sent to the house).
  • Civil contempt motion considered in the issuing court (does not require police action).
  • No informal contact permitted. If communication about children is needed, modify the order to create a defined written channel and use only that.
  • Expiration date calendared the day the order issues; renewal filed 60–90 days before (standard is generally lower; an expired order usually cannot be revived).

Phase 8—Collateral protections

  • Address confidentiality program enrolled; sealing of your address in the court file requested.
  • Housing: lock change · early lease termination with documentation · emergency transfer or lease bifurcation in covered federally assisted housing · protection from eviction based on being a victim.
  • Employment: job-protected leave for court, medical care, or relocation · anti-discrimination protections · unemployment eligibility if you must leave the job.
  • Immigration (no abuser participation required): VAWA self-petition · U visa · T visa. Consult immigration counsel before filing anything—sequence matters.
  • Crime victim compensation applied for: medical · mental health · lost wages · relocation · funeral. Note the filing deadline and the police report requirement.
  • Counseling for the children arranged (often free through victim services).

Phase 9—Safety plan (with an advocate)

  • Rooms with an exit and without weapons identified; kitchen and bathroom recognized as highest-risk.
  • Code word agreed with a friend or relative meaning call the police now.
  • Old phone kept charged (dials 911 without service).
  • Children taught to call 911, to state the address, and not to intervene.
  • Two destinations identified for 2 a.m.
  • Go-bag placed somewhere accessible: ID for you and the children · birth certificates · Social Security cards · immigration documents · insurance cards · the order · medications and prescriptions · spare keys · cash · clothes · chargers · phone numbers on paper.
  • Document copies stored where they cannot be reached.
  • Leaving planned with an advocate—separation is the highest-risk period.
  • After leaving: locks changed · workplace notified with a photograph and the order · school and daycare notified and pickup list updated · routes and schedule varied · neighbors asked to call police rather than confront.

PART TWO—RESPONDENT

Phase 10—First 48 hours

  • Comply absolutely. No contact for any reason—not to apologize, explain, discuss children, or ask for withdrawal; not through a friend or relative; no social media posts referring to the petitioner.
  • Order read carefully: stay-away distances · residence · firearms provision and deadline · hearing date.
  • Residence vacated if ordered; civil standby arranged for belongings.
  • Firearms surrendered on time with written proof, and the proof filed. Possession while subject to a qualifying order is a federal crime.
  • Counsel retained if possible.
  • Criminal counsel consulted before testifying in the civil hearing (Fifth Amendment implications).

Phase 11—Defense preparation

  • Complete message threads, not excerpts.
  • Call logs · location data · work records · financial records · photographs.
  • Witnesses identified.
  • Own timeline built with a document supporting each entry.
  • Elements analyzed: does the relationship qualify · does the conduct meet the definition · is there evidence · lawful explanation · self-defense.
  • Cross-petition considered carefully—mutual orders are disfavored, restricted in many states, complicate enforcement, and can cost firearms rights and § 2265 portability. File only if it is true.
  • If considering an agreed order: firearms · custody · employment · licensing · immigration consequences understood first.
  • Appear at the hearing. Failure to appear enters the order.

Related documents

This checklist is educational and not legal advice, and it is not a safety plan. Definitions, procedures, and available relief vary by state. Work with a local domestic violence program. If you are in immediate danger, call 911; the National Domestic Violence Hotline is 1-800-799-7233.